conductors

Clueless conductors

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Conductors on the LIRR are quite possibly the stupidest people on earth.

The lazy bastards ‘t open the doors when the train is at the station, so we wait there like assholes until the douchebag in the funny hat decides he wants to open them. On the WH branch, they never remind the passengers in the first two cars that the first two cars don’t stop at their station. Every night we must endure the usual (WAIT! DON’T CLOSE THE DOORS!”) run up the cars….

It gets better. Tonight, the WH train said “Long Beach” on both signs (inside and outside). One announcement was made, but not everyone heard. There were some people on the train who thought it was going to Long Beach, the never got off. Why couldn’t they just turn off the sign? The overheads above the platform were correct. Whatever. Turning them off would have been too fucking hard.

Conductors are assholes….CLICK CLICK TICKETS PLEASE!

The Ghost Conductor Strikes Again

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This morning, I was reminded once again why the Fail Road employees are government employees. Apparently, it’s too hard for the conductors to say “tickets please” as they walk through the cars.

This morning, I’m standing in my usual spot in the vestibule, reading the paper. I was not yapping into a cell phone or hypnotized by a Crackberry or spaced out from an iPod. As I am reading, I see someone staring at me from the reflection of the glass in the door. Does he say “tickets please”? No. He still stares. So, I don’t move. I’m waiting for government employee ignoramus to say something. After about a minute, I turn towards the center of the car and show Mr. Funny Hat my ticket. He walks away.

Is it that hard to say “tickets please” as you are walking through the car? Maybe it needs to be written into their Union contracts. You’d think they’d want to check tickets as fast as they could so they could rush back into their little cubby holes and hide.

Lazy bastards. Would saying something be too physically taxing?

Open the %&#$& Doors You Morons!

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This morning, at Jamaica, I got off the train to transfer to the one to Penn. I step off, walk across the platform and wait for the 7:45. It rolls in, stops and we wait. I love when this happens. The doors didn’t open for four minutes. FOUR FUCKING MINUTES.

What were the conductors doing during this time? Were they hiding in their little cubby holes from us? Why does this always happen? Is it so fucking hard to OPEN THE FUCKING DOORS when the FUCKING TRAIN HAS STOPPED?

This happens at Jamaica, it happens at Penn….it happens all over the fucking place. What the hell is going on? I don’t want to hear that “it’s only a few minutes”….Yeah, it’s only a few minutes, but it’s not about the fucking time. It’s about how we’re standing on the fucking platform like assholes waiting for the fucking doors to open. But wait, they’re not opening because some asshole WHO WORKS FOR US doesn’t give a shit about their job.

Enough of this shit already. Next time the fucking doors don’t open, I’m gonna show my ticket later. Let the fucking conductor wait. They made me wait to get it. So now, they can fucking wait to see my ticket.

Ovens With Seats

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Every morning, we get on ovens with seats that get us to work. They’re not train cars, they’re OVENS. For whatever reason, the heat has been on this week in our beloved Fail Road cars. Why is the heat on? It has been chilly in the mornings this week, but it is also very humid. This makes it feel much hotter in the cars.

Also, (for me in the mornings), the train is closed for a while before we get on. The air is stagnant. Blasting more hot stuffy air into it will not make things any better. Asking the conductor to make it cooler is worthless. You’re either met with a grunt or they ignore you.

I don’t think it’s asking too much to have the temperature regulated to a normal level. If they can’t give us good service, if they can’t get us to work or home on-time on a regular basis, if they don’t tell us what’s going on when we don’t move for 5-10 minutes…if they can’t make our commute without insanity and drama, then the least those nitwits can do is turn a nob.

“The First Two Cars Do Not Platform At…”

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Thanks again, fellow idiots (I mean commuters) for making me late again tonight. Especially you cretins on my train to WH tonight going home. The train was supposed to arrive at 5:55. Instead, we arrived at 6:02. Only 7 minutes late you say? No big deal, right? At least you got home…

The reason we were late was because nobody listens to the goddamn announcements. There are short platforms on my branch. The first two cars do NOT PLATFORM going East. The LAST TWO cars do not platform going West. On the way home, the conductor makes periodic announcements that the FIRST TWO CARS do not platform at Westwood, Malverne, Lakeview and Hempstead Gardens stations. The really good conductors even give you WHICH CAR NUMBERS will NOT platform at the above stations. After Westwood (where the first two cars do not platform) there’s even an announcement (most times) where the conductor says, “IF YOUR CAR DID NOT PLATFORM AT WESTWOOD IT WILL NOT PLATFORM AT MALVERNE, LAKEVIEW, OR HEMPSTEAD GARDENS, PLEASE WALK BACK).

You must be saying, “So what’s the problem?” The problem is that NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION. We were late again tonight because no less than 5 people had to run through two cars because they didn’t hear the announcements. One idiot was even standing there while the platform flies by. He’s still standing there (staring at the ballast on the trackbed) WAITING FOR THE DOORS TO OPEN…until someone says, “Hey, the doors don’t open here”….”OH SHIT!”, the cretin says…as he runs through the car (rolling case trailing behind) screaming, “HOLD THE DOORS!”….On the inside I’m screaming too “YOU FUCKING TOOL! TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING IPOD!”.

This happened at Westwood, Lakeview and Hempstead Gardens. The idiot at Hempstead Gardens couldn’t fit his goddamn rolling case between the seats. And, it was too heavy to lift, so he just pushed it through WHILE THE REST OF THE TRAIN WAITED…AND WAITED….AND WAITED…un–fuckin‘-believable. While he’s sweating and grunting to get the case through he kept saying, “I didn’t hear any announcements…ha ha ha”….YOU ASSHOLE. ALL WE HEARD WERE ANNOUNCEMENTS.
The moral of this story, PAY ATTENTION. Pay attention to the train announcements, pay attention to your conductor. As much as you may hate the man/woman who takes your tickets, when they say something, LISTEN TO IT. It could make a lot of people happier and get home on time.

But no. Everyone has to be special. Everyone has to do what they want. Everyone else has to follow the rules but they are immune. Everyone doesn’t want to have their feelings hurt by being told what to do. Go fuck yourself. Shut up, turn off the iPod, pull your head out of your ass, and listen.
Not only would it make me happy, you will make a lot of other people smile too. They’ll be smiling because they’ll be home on time.