Author: plfailroad

There Are Some Things You Just Can’t Explain…

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What is it with you people who camp out by the doors until you get to your station? There are some people who I see get on at Jamaica and literally stand the whole way to Penn FACING THE WINDOW on the door. They do not move, they do not read the newspaper, they do not listen to the iPod, take phone calls, read a book, nothing. Just stand there and wait…like they’re ready to bolt out the door once the train stops. The conductor asks for their ticket and they don’t even turn around.

For example, there are some people who get on at Jamaica, only to get up at KEW GARDENS and stand by the door until the trip into Penn. I don’t get this at all. There was a guy who did this EVERYDAY for months until he either stopped taking that train or moved to another car. I understand if you want to get up when you’re in the tunnel so you can avoid the rush. But why fight to get a seat only to stand up 5 minutes later?

What makes this even more funny is when said idiot is by the wrong door as we pull into Penn (like this morning) and they push their way across the vestibule so they can be in front of the door. Once the door opens…no bolt of lightning, no trail of smoke, you don’t hear “Move! I’m late!…nothing. In fact, they guy I saw for a while used to HOLD UP traffic on the platforms because he was so damn slow. Go figure.

One of these days, maybe I’ll get it.

President Williams Writes to Newsday….

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The esteemed Fail Road President, Helena Williams had a letter published in Newsday today. Her letter was in response to an essay a reader submitted which called for the Fail Road to have “quiet cars” on each train where cellphone use is prohibited.

Here it is:
“Counting on riders to be considerate recent essay raised the possibility of “quiet cars” on Long Island Rail Road trains [“A little peace and quiet, please!” Opinion, Oct. 19]. After studying the “quiet car” concept, the LIRR came to the same conclusion as other busy commuter railroads in our region: It would be difficult, if not impossible, to enforce. Some of our peak rush- hour trains exceed our own standee limits. Commuters on rush-hour trains know that finding a seat can be a challenge. Asking customers to find the “right” car for cell phone use at a crowded station places an undue burden on them. Enforcement of quiet-car rules would lead to delays while trains are held at stations to permit police to resolve disputes.The LIRR will launch a renewed Customer Courtesy Campaign with courtesy announcements at stations, terminals and on board trains, and courtesy reminders published in our monthly customer newsletter. The LIRR will ask all customers to be considerate of their fellow travelers via the new Penn Station message boards by asking customers to limit cell-phone use to essential calls, keep conversations brief, speak in a low voice, set ringers on vibrate and move to the vestibule for long conversations; also to keep feet off seats and to store luggage and bags on overhead racks, not on seats.I believe in, and am counting on, the common sense and the common courtesy of our customers.
Helena E. Williams
Editor’s note: The writer is president of the Long Island Rail Road.
Jamaica

Bla bla bla. The riders don’t have common sense. If they did, you wouldn’t need the “Clean Train Campaign” announcements. You also wouldn’t need those other announcements about cellphone use and keeping feet off the seats. I thought the Fail Road was supposed to have the most “intelligent”, affluent and “high class” riders of a commuter rail road in the country. Apparently this is not the case. They’re just a bunch of gavones.
I agree that a “quiet car” is probably not the best solution to this issue. It’s just not possible. What if people want to get to the “quiet car”…and it’s all the way down the platform? People won’t get in then walk down. They’ll run down the platform, causing delays, etc.

The only solution is to ban cellphone use outright or allow the conductors become “enforcers” and tell people to keep quiet if their behavior gets out of hand with their cell phones.

What’s the big deal with people and their phones? JUST SHUT UP!

Keeping Track – October…LIES LIES ALL LIES!!!!

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The October edition of the Fail Road’s propaganda rag is out. It’s called “Keeping Track”. Keeping track of what, exactly? Keeping track of what a terrible job they have done in the past month? Apologizing for the multitude of bullshit delays we passengers have to endure? No. Instead, they kiss their own asses and publish lies.

This month, it leads off with the results of a report commissioned by President Helena Williams. When Ms. Williams’ term started as LIRR President, she commissioned a report to assess the “state of the LIRR“. First, the report was a waste of time because you don’t need a report to see what’s wrong with this half-assed operation. Second, the report was by an EX-MNRR President Donald N. Nelson. There wasn’t anyone else available for the report? Were all their other MTA cronies busy? Wasted money.
Here is a scan of the October Issue of “Keeping Track”:

(click to enlarge)

Check out the “On-Time Monthly Performance” section. These numbers are fabricated. How is it possible that OTP (On-Time Performance) for my branch was BETTER this year. I can tell you that the trains I take are REGULARLY late. More than the 6 minute window the Fail Road allows itself. Yet, the Fail Road propaganda machine is hard at work, publishing false numbers.
For a good laugh check out the section “The State Of Your Rail Road”…who writes this stuff? “The Rail Road was given high marks for customer service”? BY WHO!? “The management teams seem to be rejuvenated, and employees were motivated with generally good morale”… what a load of crap. The Fail Road management was never “juvenated” so they never needed to be “rejuvenated“. It also states “The Fail Road is probably in better condition than at anytime in its history”….WHAT? If it’s in such good condition then why the hell are there so many delays? Who the hell wrote this? What the hell were they studying?
This whole pamphlet is full of worthless babble. Like the poem titled “Courtesy”…WHO THE HELL APPROVED THIS GARBAGE? Instead of publishing cutesy poems about not taking up seats, they should have added “Hello fellow morons, don’t put your feet on the seats, you wouldn’t do it at home, so don’t do it on the goddamn trains.”. Instead poems and self-ass-kissing, why not publish profuse apologies about the terrible service they provided in the last month? Why not abolish the “6 minute” rule and publish the REAL ON TIME PERFORMANCE NUMBERS. This way, we can all see what a terrible operation the Fail Road is.
To top it all off, there’s a blurb about making passengers already on the train get off first BEFORE YOU TRY TO GET ON…Shouldn’t our esteemed, well-educated, affluent passengers KNOW THAT ALREADY? It’s disgusting.
I can’t wait until the next issue of “Keeping Track”. What will be in it next? Everything but the truth…

GAPS!!!!!

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This time, a 60 year old woman was sucked into the abyss at the Syosset station. Oh…the humanity. Said “victim” was boarding the train with luggage and she “slipped through the gap”…She used her arms to keep from falling through. She was then treated a cut to her shin *yawn* is that all? I mean, SHE FELL THROUGH THE GAP!!!!! She wasn’t maimed? She didn’t lose a limb? She wasn’t mauled by a runaway circus animal? She wasn’t scarred for life? What a waste!!! I bet the writer at Newsday was disappointed that’s all she had wrong with her. There goes his chance at a Pulitzer….

These big, bad gaps have been present on the Fail Road for at least 40 years in some places. Why is it that people have only started falling through them in the past year and a half? Did everyone lose their balance and intelligence at the same time? Or, can we blame Newsday for blowing the whole Natalie Smead incident out of proportion? Maybe there’s a correlation between the attention Newsday has brought to this “gap problem” and the fact that the MTA/Fail Road has stopped advertising in Newsday’s pages…hmmmmm…Btw, a report found Smead to be at fault, but whatever.

The gap has been there probably for longer than we have all been taking the damn trains. They are there, so YOU have to pay attention. Turn off your iPods. Turn off your cell phones. Stop reading while you walk. Pick up your feet when you walk. If your luggage is too heavy to pick up, YOU SHOULDN’T BRING IT ON TO THE TRAIN. And, just PAY ATTENTION. It’s that simple. The Fail Road should not have to remind the passengers every two minutes to “Watch the Gap” with those idiotic on-train announcements. They should not have to waste OUR MONEY to plaster every square inch of free station space with those awful “Watch the Gap” signs. They shouldn’t have to do anything. It’s the duty of the passengers to LOOK DOWN…

I would love to conduct a “gap test”. This test would take place at the big bad Syosset station (the same one that mercilessly sucks unwitting passengers into the deep, dark abyss). I will call it the “Money Bag” test. I will take the same people who fell through (or stepped into) the “gap” back to the Syosset station. I will place them on the platform. I will place a $100 bill on the floor of the train. I will then tell them to get that $100 bill (which will require them to step over the gap!!!). I guarantee you 100% of the time NOBODY WILL FALL THROUGH.
Hopefully, the Fail Road will wise up and let me conduct this test.


Look out!!! THE GAP IS GONNA SUCK YOU IN!!!! BUAHAHAHAHAHA….
GAPS!!!! LOOK OUT! 😉

Bullet Train vs. Silver Slug

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I had a day off today to take care of some family things, so I didn’t take my beloved Fail Road. I know, it’s so depressing. In my time away from my most preferred mode of transportation, I had some time to think. What I thought about most was how long my trip takes. There is no way in hell that a distance of 22 miles should take an hour, especially when you’re in a train.

Why does it take so long? There are many reasons (or so I have been told). There are not enough “slots” meaning space for the trains on the existing track space. The system has a lot of bottlenecks. If one train is a little late passing through one of these critical areas, it throws all the others behind it off-schedule. Another excuse (I mean reason) is the slow crawl through Jamaica. Yet another excuse is the the fact that there aren’t enough tunnels.

I am sure you are saying, “that’s a lot of excuses, what are they doing about it”…the answer is nothing (yet). There are plans to overhaul Jamaica to straighten the tracks, create a “flyover”, etc. Editorial Story Story

By the time this actually happens, I’ll either be dead, have kids, or both. This is all wishful thinking on the MTA/Fail Road. This is an organization that can’t get a fucking train to run on time for a week. You want us to think you can literally rip apart your hub and fix all that’s wrong with it with no problems and delays? If it’s done by 2020 we’ll be lucky.

And now we get to the Bullet Train…I mean Metro North. If I am travelling from Poughkeepsie, for example, the average time to get to Grand Central is about 1 hr and 40 mins. Poughkeepsie is also about 85 miles from New York City. 85 FUCKING MILES!!! I am about 22 miles from the city and my trip is almost ONE HOUR. Does that make any sense? If Metro North followed the Fail Road’s lead, it would eventually take someone in Poughkeepsie 4 FUCKING HOURS to get home. Someone please tell me why this is so.

It’s because the Fail Road can’t get their shit together. There is LESS service now than ever before. That means less trains. It also means LONGER TRIPS for us. Metro North on the other hand, knows how to run a transit operation. You can justify it by saying they’re “4 tracked” all the way up, bla bla bla…whatever. If they really wanted to speed things up, they would. They just don’t care about their customers.

Oh well. They don’t care yet we still take the train like good sheeple because we have jobs to get to. Yeah, we could drive, but that means the Fail Road employees would have to do even less. I want you to earn your pensions. Better yet, have some Fail Road management ride our trains for a week, I bet you things would change, and fast.

Baaaaaaa…..

Run Forrest Run!!!…Run!! FASTER!!!!

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What is it with the people who feel they need to run by you to get to the train while it’s still on the platform? This happens to me (and others at my station) at least 2-3 times a week.

Sometimes, I get to the parking lot a bit later than I should in the mornings (about 3-4 mins before the train leaves). By the time I walk from the lot to the station platform to the train there’s maybe a minute to spare until the train leaves. I admit I cut it close.

But, there’s always someone whose watch is 2-3 minutes fast that feels compelled to run through people as if they were doing a Tiki Barber impersonation. Yeah, I know, Tiki’s a bum…but that’s for another blog 😉 And, when I mean “run through” people…I mean with arms flailing, wielding their briefcase like it’s a club. Nine times out of ten it’s a woman. I find this particularly funny as many of them can’t even walk at a normal pace with their heels and collection of two or three heavy bags (what the hell is in there anyway?). Yet, they are attempting to run full speed down a train platform to get to a train THAT HASN’T EVEN LEFT THE STATION YET.

Set your damn watches. Or, leave the house a few minutes earlier. Even if you get there a few seconds late (when the conductor is closing the doors) he won’t literally shut them in your face. He’ll wait. (If I was the conductor, I wouldn’t, but there are nice people left in the world.)
Just the other day, on Monday morning, I’m on the platform, walking up to the train and I hear the telltale “clip clop” of heels. I am nearing the door and the next thing I hear is “hold the doors!”. On instinct, I move to the left and let this woman go. I should have told her she had at least two minutes to spare. I could have but she would not have heard me. I could have yelled “FREE SHOES!” and she wouldn’t have heard. She lunges through the door and gets to her seat. There’s still about a minute until the train leaves. I get to my seat, take out my pass…the doors close and we push off.

When I got up to change at Jamaica, I passed by the woman’s seat. She was sleeping. Go figure….in such a rush, to get nowhere.

“The First Two Cars Do Not Platform At…”

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Thanks again, fellow idiots (I mean commuters) for making me late again tonight. Especially you cretins on my train to WH tonight going home. The train was supposed to arrive at 5:55. Instead, we arrived at 6:02. Only 7 minutes late you say? No big deal, right? At least you got home…

The reason we were late was because nobody listens to the goddamn announcements. There are short platforms on my branch. The first two cars do NOT PLATFORM going East. The LAST TWO cars do not platform going West. On the way home, the conductor makes periodic announcements that the FIRST TWO CARS do not platform at Westwood, Malverne, Lakeview and Hempstead Gardens stations. The really good conductors even give you WHICH CAR NUMBERS will NOT platform at the above stations. After Westwood (where the first two cars do not platform) there’s even an announcement (most times) where the conductor says, “IF YOUR CAR DID NOT PLATFORM AT WESTWOOD IT WILL NOT PLATFORM AT MALVERNE, LAKEVIEW, OR HEMPSTEAD GARDENS, PLEASE WALK BACK).

You must be saying, “So what’s the problem?” The problem is that NOBODY PAYS ATTENTION. We were late again tonight because no less than 5 people had to run through two cars because they didn’t hear the announcements. One idiot was even standing there while the platform flies by. He’s still standing there (staring at the ballast on the trackbed) WAITING FOR THE DOORS TO OPEN…until someone says, “Hey, the doors don’t open here”….”OH SHIT!”, the cretin says…as he runs through the car (rolling case trailing behind) screaming, “HOLD THE DOORS!”….On the inside I’m screaming too “YOU FUCKING TOOL! TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING IPOD!”.

This happened at Westwood, Lakeview and Hempstead Gardens. The idiot at Hempstead Gardens couldn’t fit his goddamn rolling case between the seats. And, it was too heavy to lift, so he just pushed it through WHILE THE REST OF THE TRAIN WAITED…AND WAITED….AND WAITED…un–fuckin‘-believable. While he’s sweating and grunting to get the case through he kept saying, “I didn’t hear any announcements…ha ha ha”….YOU ASSHOLE. ALL WE HEARD WERE ANNOUNCEMENTS.
The moral of this story, PAY ATTENTION. Pay attention to the train announcements, pay attention to your conductor. As much as you may hate the man/woman who takes your tickets, when they say something, LISTEN TO IT. It could make a lot of people happier and get home on time.

But no. Everyone has to be special. Everyone has to do what they want. Everyone else has to follow the rules but they are immune. Everyone doesn’t want to have their feelings hurt by being told what to do. Go fuck yourself. Shut up, turn off the iPod, pull your head out of your ass, and listen.
Not only would it make me happy, you will make a lot of other people smile too. They’ll be smiling because they’ll be home on time.

Invalids on the Stairs

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I would like the thank the morons on the steps going down to Penn that made me late for the 5:04 today. Yeah I left the office late, yeah there was a crowd of people to push through and all that other crap. If not for these gimps on the steps, I could have made that train.

Why are people so goddamn stupid? If you can’t wal
k normally, THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU TAKING THE GODDAMN STAIRS….TAKE THE GODDAMN ESCALATOR!!! What the hell are you trying to prove? That you can hold up almost a hundred of your fellow commuters? That you can make a lot of people angry? That you can make people late?
There must 50 or 60 steps on that staircase. It’s hard for people who can walk NORMALLY. What the hell are you morons doing there? If you can’t even walk STRAIGHT or you have a goddamn CANE….YOU SHOULDN’T BE ANYWHERE NEAR THE FUCKING STEPS.
Next time I see one of these old bags, I swear I will throw th
em down the steps. It’ll take care of two things at once. And, I won’t be late for my train.
No I won’t leave earlier. I was held up because the elevator in my building took a half hour to get to my floor. On top of that there was the usual lead feet on 7th avenue who act like they have NEVER SEEN A TALL BUILDING IN THEIR LIVES. MOVE OVER YOU ASSHOLES!!!! People have better things to do than walk around you.
On my shit list:
– Tourists
– Old People
– Slow people
– Stupid people
– Cellphones
– BlackBerries
– Fail Road Management

The LIRR’s “Train Terrorist”

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John Clifford is the LIRR’s new “terrorist” or “hero” (depending on how you view things). Unless you’ve been under a rock the last couple of days, you would already know that John Clifford is a guy who likes a quiet train ride. He also wants people to have common courtesy. That means no loud talking on cellphones, no loud talking, and just being nice.

He’s also the guy who will kick your ass if you piss him off by not following any of the above. NICE! Where has this guy been? It’s about time someone started doing this. Many times I (as well as many others) have been on a train with some asshole who just don’t want to shut the fuck up on their goddamn cell phone. Is the conversation that important that it cannot wait or be carried on at a normal volume? Sometimes people complain that the blowers on the new M7’s are loud. Try sitting near one of these assholes, the blowers are whisper-quiet compared to them. “OHHHHHH MYYYY GAAWWWWWD! NOOOOO! HOLY SHIT! NOOO! HE DID NOT! NO WAY! WOW!”….ugggggggh! People like that deserve a smack in the teeth.

While I do not condone Mr. Clifford’s use of physical force (he tossed a cup of coffee on a woman who wouldn’t shut up) and he’s also got a lawsuit pending because of his “rage”, I salute him as a hero. He did what the rest of us are afraid to do (and what the Fail Road crews are too chickenshit to do)…which is tell these rude, arrogant, obnoxious, inconsiderate assholes to shut their holes and act like a human being.

Not many may agree with his methods, but you cannot argue with his message. Enough is enough. Do we all have to hear your conversation with your significant other about what you’ll be doing tonight? Or how your doctor’s appointment went and what he stuck where? Or about any problems you had at the office that day or what a slut so and so is? The train is not your living room or beauty salon or therapist couch or concert hall. IT’S A FUCKING TRAIN! SHUT UP AND STAY QUIET.

Don’t even get me started on the headphones. God created headphones so that NOBODY ELSE HAS TO LISTEN TO YOUR FUCKING REGGAE SHIT! Turn it down, Mr. Rasta-man (from the other day). Bob Marley sucks anyway.

In closing, I wish the attention being paid to Mr. Clifford does not continue to focus on his behavior. Instead, it should focus on his message. And, his message should be loud and clear, SHUT THE HELL UP AND ACT LIKE YOU HAVE MANNERS.

Here’s some media coverage on the “LIRR Train Terrorist”:

Newsday
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/transportation/ny-liclif165414416oct16,0,5115408.story
http://www.newsday.com/news/printedition/longisland/ny-liclif16,0,3201359.story
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/ny-licond1016,0,5520141.story

New York Post
http://www.nypost.com/seven/10192007/news/regionalnews/l_i__rail_rogue.htm.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/10192007/postopinion/letters/rage_a_holic_on_the_rr.htm

Slow People

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<img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5117653149788783762" style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://static1.squarespace.com/static/55a65992e4b084ed3d3583d3/55a66439e4b0b654c5984181/55a6643be4b0b654c598425d/1436968021470//img.jpg I will tackle the "slow people". No, not THAT kind of slow you morons. I mean the kind that walk like they have lead shoes. The ones who have a stride of about 2 inches. The ones you always seem to be stuck behind when the train is late, you have to get to work and they are blabbing away on their cellphones. MOVE YOUR ASS!

I am not a physiologist, but what I do know is that taller people usually have a longer stride than shorter people. If my assumptions are true, then why do all these trees exiting the train have a stride of about half an inch? And, why do all these slow bastards have to be on their cellphones Are they doing this on purpose? Or, do they do it because they just don’t give a crap about anyone else?

I cannot tell you how many times I have been stuck behind these slow bastards on a platform or in Penn itself. If you move, you get stuck behind another one. They walk slow, or they are dragging those god awful rolling suitcases (rolling over people’s feet).

I bet if someone told those morons that there’s $20 of a free lunch waiting for them if they could get to their office in 5 mins instead of 10, that these bastards would RUN. Typical

Move your asses!