What is it with you people who walk like fucking turtles? Is there something medically wrong with you? What’s your fuckin‘ deal? Do you need an incentive to move your asses?

I would like to say that this is only true for the tourists, but it’s not. If it was mainly the tourists, I’d let it slide. They’re tourists, they don’t know any better. However, there’s no excuse for New Yorkers to be like this.

Every morning, while walking to my office, I feel like a running back dodging these assholes. It’s a constant stream of assholes looking at their cellphones, staring at buildings, bullshitting on their cellphones, bullshitting with someone else, holding fucking hands with their wives/girlfriends/mistress, whoever. And, there’s my all-time favorite asshole: The one who receives a call on their cellphone and immediately stops dead in his tracks. Can’t these fuckers walk and talk at the same time? Apparently it’s too taxing on their pea-brains.

Perhaps they’d move their asses if there were $50 bills hanging from the “Don’t Walk” signs. Maybe they’d move a little faster if there were announcements saying “the faster you cross the street, you get a free coffee from Starbucks…”. Whatever it is, something needs to be done.

I forgot to mention that it gets ever worse when it rains. Apparently the combination of rain and umbrellas renders the part of brain that controls motor movements completely useless. Not that the rest of their brains actually did something…but you get the picture.

I also have found that people seem to walk slower in the mornings than they do in the afternoons. Why is that? Wouldn’t you want to get to your job faster so that you spend LESS time there? Take your time walking home. It’s almost as if they don’t want to go to their jobs. Someone should tell these assholes that without their fucking jobs, there’s no more fancy umbrellas, cellphones, Starbucks coffee and the other bullshit things they equate with their supposed intelligence and success.

MOVE YOUR ASSES YOU LAZY BASTARDS!